atlas has the burden to bear the world.
we know this from Hercules when he met him.
Burden of the world is still born by Atlas. I am required. I only required to bear my emotions feelings and thoughts. At times they are unbearable. This blog is those occasion it is unbearable. Anxiety is so much that I cannot eat and drink i wait for the clock move fast and i keep looking at the watch. days without food, i count days for relief of my anxiety. those responsible do not even know. like my suffering for cecilia was quite unknown by joya who caused it.
i have to bear the grief anxiety incapacity hunger inability to go out of my house door. I wait for my prison door to open.
This happened to me once. I do not remember how many days i was shut. waiting for news of joya's arrival in kolkata. my sister spread that joya's Baudi was killed or dead. this was corroborated by Satya Kar. Her husband. Further he took side of his wife. They lived in the same town Agartala. Joya's parental home where this happened was only 5 minutes walk. I came to know of it from my mother. Joya was supposed to come to kolkata with Chhordi and Satyada. She did not come. I was worried. I could not rest till I saw her in person. I was shut in my house.
I could not step out. Is it abnormal? Perhaps so. But it took superhuman efforts for me to bear me and remain standing. i could not sleep. I was tv but did not see what was shown but saw something else. Is it abnormal that i am being taken care of by almighty.
it was so. it is so. it shall always be so.
it was not understood then by anybody, not even ma, chhorda, chhordi, ... nobody. nobody had to bear this extreme pain alone.
valmiki could understand. he wrote beginning of enjoyment - the first poet of india and his first poem - Ramayana. I could openly mention Joya's name since is wife but two other occasions i had to bear without publicly naming them.
I cannot be honest publicly.
this is quite learning that i did not wish to learn. bearing my own thought alone.
there is no option to grief anger pride memory senses shame fear pain love and their expressions bursting out from me to public.
i can get no support in my world in bearing the same. Despite Atlas is carrying my world.
lidless eye is watching me while i write. i am defying my rule of silence.
I must bear me in silence.
unless i write, how would anyone know? did valmiki not write? did vyasa not write from their seclusion? was not Socrates last words ,"Crito, we owe a cock to Asclepius. Please, don't forget to pay the debt."?
i cannot die a private silent death that sejomama died.
we know this from Hercules when he met him.
Burden of the world is still born by Atlas. I am required. I only required to bear my emotions feelings and thoughts. At times they are unbearable. This blog is those occasion it is unbearable. Anxiety is so much that I cannot eat and drink i wait for the clock move fast and i keep looking at the watch. days without food, i count days for relief of my anxiety. those responsible do not even know. like my suffering for cecilia was quite unknown by joya who caused it.
i have to bear the grief anxiety incapacity hunger inability to go out of my house door. I wait for my prison door to open.
This happened to me once. I do not remember how many days i was shut. waiting for news of joya's arrival in kolkata. my sister spread that joya's Baudi was killed or dead. this was corroborated by Satya Kar. Her husband. Further he took side of his wife. They lived in the same town Agartala. Joya's parental home where this happened was only 5 minutes walk. I came to know of it from my mother. Joya was supposed to come to kolkata with Chhordi and Satyada. She did not come. I was worried. I could not rest till I saw her in person. I was shut in my house.
I could not step out. Is it abnormal? Perhaps so. But it took superhuman efforts for me to bear me and remain standing. i could not sleep. I was tv but did not see what was shown but saw something else. Is it abnormal that i am being taken care of by almighty.
it was so. it is so. it shall always be so.
it was not understood then by anybody, not even ma, chhorda, chhordi, ... nobody. nobody had to bear this extreme pain alone.
valmiki could understand. he wrote beginning of enjoyment - the first poet of india and his first poem - Ramayana. I could openly mention Joya's name since is wife but two other occasions i had to bear without publicly naming them.
I cannot be honest publicly.
this is quite learning that i did not wish to learn. bearing my own thought alone.
there is no option to grief anger pride memory senses shame fear pain love and their expressions bursting out from me to public.
i can get no support in my world in bearing the same. Despite Atlas is carrying my world.
lidless eye is watching me while i write. i am defying my rule of silence.
I must bear me in silence.
unless i write, how would anyone know? did valmiki not write? did vyasa not write from their seclusion? was not Socrates last words ,"Crito, we owe a cock to Asclepius. Please, don't forget to pay the debt."?
i cannot die a private silent death that sejomama died.
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