the story of my madness is true

I have no doubt that I am mad.

I have been concluding this in every writings of mine.

It is unwritten moral of all my story.

If any sane that is belonging to any motivational group such as:
academic, scientist, writer, physician, ...
I am not among sane of course.
I used to be afraid of being found out. No a days i bear my fear and occasionally i hide my madness feigning sanity when i recognize one of violent kind who would not stop hitting me.

There are strategies I employ. Often is my silence. This can be misread as consent of belonging to the sane class. If i am doubted and asked for verbal consent. I repeat what is being said. Often none goes any further. Since it is direct proof of consent.

The methods above worked well for 68 years of my tenure as resident of tenant of my planet. It is understood that it is created by me and i cannot say it. when i do i am identified as insane.

i understand why ancient such vyasa or valmiki had remain in hiding while their works remained circulation for ever.

i also suffer from bad stomach. I cannot hold my thought. they always spurt out like fountain. Like I write every now and then. I visit toilet every now and then.

I am short circuit always sparking

when i am in public I have to prepare many hours - my maximum time away from toilet is 2 hours and it is decreasing

my maximum time away from writing is 30 minutes unless I am sleeping

my urgency to visit toilet break my sleep every two hours but it may decrease. i may then have to sleep in toilet

i am searching for cheap device like paper and pen that i can afford. lenovo yoga book I may have to buy.

i know i am van gogh nietzsche identical cell for  cell thought for thought deed for deed. if they are mad. the story of madness is true and i am not looking for forgiveness.

i bear my madness as well as my future as a madman

i cannot exempt myself  and apply an option to be absent in the present.

One early morning I was returning from baranagar to mudiali in taxi. i was winding through central calcutta was going through local area where a thief is caught. i do not know he was caught with any stolen material he was stripped to underwear was tied to a lamp post. he was half shaven. he was being treated by many individually. he was being covered with rotten milk egg cow dung etc. whoever had what. how long this would take not known. the thief is not looking anywhere. on his chest and back it was written - i am thief. does he have any place to go when they stop and unbound him from lamp post. obviously not. not even among the thief. he had no set to belong.

i am that thief cell for cell thought for thought deed for deed life for life. i have no place to except present where i am absent i have no wish to prevent any future moment whatever in waiting.

i cannot make any exception.

the other day i saw sadhu in utpals house. i am him word for word deed for deed thought for thought cell for cell hair for hair i cannot be otherwise

i too am beaten horse hair for hair cell for cell ... i too am nietzsche who standing consoling the animal

i am complete insane without a whimper

i am a failure ... without a whimper